


she steps on hearts and drinks our suffering

by HannaM



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Angst, F/F, Gen, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-10
Updated: 2012-11-10
Packaged: 2017-11-18 09:10:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannaM/pseuds/HannaM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alison was the kind of person who got into your head and stayed there. Diary entries from before Alison's death, by Emily and Hanna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	she steps on hearts and drinks our suffering

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spoilers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoilers/gifts).



> WARNING for some use of misogynistic slurs used by female characters against female characters, and references to eating disorders
> 
> The timeline before Alison's death is kind of unclear- the key events shown in flashbacks in the series that are alluded to here are Hanna running into Ali/Vivian Darkbloom at the beauty parlor and Emily and Alison in the locker room- well, pretty much any flashback with Alison using Emily's crush against her. I

Dear Diary,

Ali smiled at me again today- the sort of smile she can give that makes you feel like she's sharing a secret with you. I want to believe that she only smiles at me that way, but... well...

It's Ali.

Sometimes I think that she sees right through me, to all the worst thoughts I've ever had about a person. Sometimes I think she's just trying to act tough. When she's not scaring me, I just want to protect her- from what, I guess I don't really know. There's always been something a bit... _off_ about Ali, especially when she's been with her family too much. Her parents have always been nice to me, but Jason is... creepy.

I mean, I guess he's just stoned most of the time (have I ever met Jason when he's not high?) so that could be it, but the way Ali talks about him, it's like she thinks he's out to get her. I don't understand siblings. I thought having a sister would be nice, but the di Laurentis' make it look exhausting.

Last night I dreamt about Ali, too. I'm scared that she could see it in my face this morning- I almost blushed at the sight of her.

Please let me not have the dream again. Or at least... not about Ali, or any other girl I know. I'm pretty sure I should be dreaming about Noel like Aria, or even Toby Cavanagh.

\- Emily

\----------------

dear diary

omg I don't even know where to begin. so Ali keeps telling me that I should ask out Sean or hit on him or something and obvs I said no way he'll turn me down and maybe even laugh at the stupid fatso like in that movie we watched at Spence's house with all the girls named heather (i don't think i know any heathers actually which is weird because you'd think that would be a more popular name but i guess it's because rosewood is enough flowers for one town or something. i bet they have girls named heather in california)

anyway so Ali is all hey you don't know maybe he digs fat chicks and Aria's all uncomfortable and trying to change the subject because she knows just as well as Ali does that Sean got in trouble with his dad for having naked pics of megan fox on his laptop and stupid megan fox is mega skinny. so I told them i was working on losing weight and stuff which is when Ali points out that i still got chocolate milk from the lunch lady

why did i get that stupid chocolate milk, anyway? i told myself i was going to be better i even made a new years resolution to eat less and work out more so i could look like portia di rossi on ally mcbeal. i need to discipline myself. i need to have self-control, like Ali. Ali's gone weeks without sugar or fat. she says it's all about commitment.

i need to do this, for myself. so nobody will dare call me hefty hanna again, and so i can get out of this shitty town and go to california like i was always meant to. and in the short run, so i can get into a swimsuit without wanting to die

speaking of swimsuits Ali got like four bikinis in town last week and she totally didn't pay for all of them, because no way her mom would have let her buy that skanky string one. she modeled them for us- Aria said the zebra print was the best and tried to be nice about the skanky one. Emily missed half the show cause she kept having to use the bathroom. i wonder if Emily's coming down with something? if she is, Ali's totally going to get it because i saw her teaching Emily how to french kiss later. maybe Emily just ate too much.

anyway, the slutty swimsuit! so Spence's jaw practically hits the floor when Ali comes out in it, and is all WHAT IS THAT. Spence has this bad habit of dressing like a french nun so it's not totally surprising she would flip. Ali's like, it's what i'm wearing to surprise my secret boyfriend, do you like it?

of course she has a secret boyfriend- i bet he's older. maybe he's a convict and rides a motorcycle.

Ali can have whatever guy she wants.

anyway, Aria's like, you might as well go naked, and Ali's all, how do you know i haven't done that ALREADY? !!! she is so mature, it's kind of scary. but also what, because she's not fifteen yet and this guy might be a pedo.

or Sean.

anyway, Spence makes a little choking sound, and goes i don't want to hear about that. but she backpedals and says it's not the level of skin showing that's the problem it's that it's just a tacky looking swimsuit. which is admittedly totally true- lime green is so not Ali's color. if she got it in navy blue, or black, or a sort of lavender that she might be able to work it, but i think it needs a sarong for beachside. Ali says fair enough and changes back into her regular clothes

i wonder if her secret boyfriend calls her vivian darkbloom? that would make sense of the lime green- it goes better with dark hair.

\- Hanna

\------------------------

Dear Diary,

I can't do sleepovers with Ali anymore, I just can't. It hurts too much.

She cornered me when we split up to look for Apples to Apples, stroked my cheek with a finger.

"You're so sweet, Emily," she said, and my heart turned over. "I bet you taste as good as you look."

And we were kissing, kissing, and there was no ceiling and no floor, and I was so blindingly happy for a moment that when Ali pulled away I thought I'd died.

"Haven't you ever kissed somebody before?" she asked scornfully. "You need to practice, Em."

Just like that, she walks away, leaving me standing there feeling naked, humiliated, and just burning up with something between anger and love.

How can she be so cruel? She must know that I love her completely- why would you treat someone who loves you this way? Why did I want to run after her and kiss her again?

Why did she ask me to tie the halter top on her string bikini, when she knew my hands were shaking? Why did she make sure to model those beautiful swimsuits in the coldest room in the house, so we could all see her nipples sticking out?

Why is it I can't decide if I want to run away from her and never look back or stay with her always and kiss her soft neck?

-Emily

\----------------

dear diary

okay this is mostly about how Jason diLaurentis is a CREEPAZOID. we were all in Ali's room doing our homework, right (Em said she's not allowed to do sleepovers again till her grades go up, and then of course Spencer was like YOURE GRADES ARE DROPPING SINCE WHEN AAHH and somehow we all ended up doing our homework whch is less cool than you would think since Spencer never ever helps till youve finished and then she tells you everything is wrong) and Aria got hungry so she went downstairs to make grilled cheese.

this is the part where i have to admit that my comittment sorta um teetered. i was super good all day and only ate veggies and got regular milk and no afterschool snack but omg Aria makes the best grilled cheese! so i lied and said i had to go to the bathroom and snuck downstairs to ask Aria for a bite

and WHOA there is Jason totally huffing Aria's hair!! he was standing behind her so i couldn't tell what she was thinking but it did not look like she was into it. particularly since she said Jason you need to back off and give me some personal space.

i really really wanted to go in there and tell him to get his hand away from Aria's tiny butt but then Jason says So that's just between you and me right? Our little secret? and it suddenly occured to me that Jason might be like, violent, i don't know him very well and Ali says he hates her so he must hate her friends and it wasn't like he was really hurting Aria, he was backing off like she said

but i still feel really bad that i didn't say something. this isn't the person i wanted to be.

at least i didn't end up having the grilled cheese. Ali would be proud.

Aria's eyes were all red when she got back too and she said she didn't want to do more homework. Spence was going to pressure her but Ali said we could stop so we did. Ali asked Aria if somebody had been creeping on her and she said yeah. Ali assumed it was somebody outside the window and Aria let her think that for some reason.

anyway I squeezed Aria's hand and Em told Ali to calm down but she was freaking out. she went to Spence's bag and grabbed her field hockey stick and started like beating the window with it. we all stared at her, but she didn't seem to see us at all. she stuck her head out of the window and screamed DO YOU HEAR THAT I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU

Emily was the only one who was brave enough to go up to her after that. well, Spencer said who are you talking to, but from a good distance away, and Ali didn't answer. but she practically threw herself into Emily's arms and started crying.

i wish she trusted me enough to tell me what's going on, at least. i mean i went to her when my parents were fighting all the time. maybe she tells Emily. she does seem to like her best. or at least, better than me.

-Hanna


End file.
